Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Best of A F M

MICA's legendary professor, and a fellow Mallu \m/ is never short of something to say. Following are some of the best sentences ever to leave his blessed vocal cords! Santa Maria!
(PS: Thank you to the CCC guys for giving me some of the quotes here!)

(Vikram ambles in 10 minutes late)
A F M: Welcome, welcome... Why did you come? Hmmm?
Vikram: Why not? :P

"If he has sex with five women, he would be called a stud. But if she has sex with five men, she would be called a slut!"
- Politics of gender was never so well put!

"Wake her up."
- The legendary line. Who can sleep in his lecture anyway?!

"Two heroes... One heroine... And for convenience sake, one of the heroes dies at the end of the movie."
- A F M unravels the age-old mystery of Hindi cinema...

"Should I bring a hookah also? How about a belly dancer?"
- To a Sahil making himself rather at home with pillows in the audi

"I do not understand why you all are sleeping... I talk about pornography, I talked about lesbian sex... What more do you want? Do you want me to show you some porn now? No, I think you would probably sleep if I show porn too!"
- On the rather hibernative tendencies of Batch A

(Talking about sexual harassment and targetting his favourite victim)

AFM: And when a lady worker at the office asks for help, wouldn't you do this? *shows embrace-over-back gesture* Wouldn't you do that, Sahil?
SK: I'd do that to Vikram, sir!
AFM: My, my! This class is rather progressive!

"You must be thinking why this man is standing in this fashion... Aahhh... and he is not even married... And he always talks about homosexuality...HHmmmm..."
- And thus he launches into the politics of the posture.

"Some of you may say he is dumb... If he was dumb... Then you are all underdeveloped zygotes!"
- A comparitive study on his heroes and his students.

"Look at this book... Look at the title... 'Why We Buy'... (after applause) Let me just look at the chapters... Just see the title... ' Touch me . . . hmmm . . Feel me . . . hmmm. . . . Buy me . . . ' "
- The most hilarious three minute book review you'll ever see!

"If she faints if he kisses her on the forehead, then when they start having sex, she'll have epilipsey!"
- On the 'conservative' nature of mainstream Indian cinema

"If you were a Christian, you would have heard of Jesus, no?"
- Even Chandler Bing would have bowed to this sort of sarcasm...

"I feel like a gladiator performing in a colloseum in front of you. After a while I will start performing naach-gaana too. You'll start throwing coins too."
- On the Roman connections that Batch A seems to possess during an AFM lecture.

Courtesy Ankit...
G = Guy from Section B*

AFM: Do you know about Imrana's case?
G: No sir.
AFM: Don't you read newspaper?
G: No sir.
AFM: Do you watch television?
G: No sir.
AFM: So do you surf pornography throughout the night?
G: No sir.
AFM: Santa Maria!! You don't do even that. So what do you do, dear? I'll tell you a solution: take a chakda. Go to Shela village. There is a lake. Just jump into that and don't come back."

*name is withheld intentionally :P

"You are so innocent...! I would like to adopt you!"
- To a subsequently stunned Gaurav.

" ...and each one of you will become small monsters at the time of the placements... "
- A F M predicts further mutation in the evolution process.

"How many kinds of porn are there? "
- To a stunned Johann, who looked a veritable expert on the matter.

"Am I not a ray of light coming into your wretched lives?"
- The famous statement!

"She is almost perfect. I did not teach her. Otherwise she would have become perfect, no?"
- Giving the vote of thanks to an ex-MICAn who talked to us!

A F M: So, what are all of you?
Student: Uhm, sir... Zygotes?
A F M: No... You are all single-celled protozoans!

"Punjabis... Hmmm... All they need is a big glass of lassi and they are ready to rape a woman..."
- Stereotyping our turbanned friends and the homemade liquid stimulant.

"After all, you all want jobs in HLL na? Hmmmmmm....?"
- Oh damn, he's uncovered our ulterior motives!

"Tumhe to kuch nahi aata. Sab sikhana padega."
- Who said Mallus can't speak good Hindi :P

SCENE: Aftermath of girl talking to boy next to her.
A F M: How can you get distracted so easily?
GIRL: Sorry sir...
A F M: You should be interested in knowing the history of these women... If it weren't for them... You would be sitting at home and serving your body to men like these..."

"Look at the mere power that I possess over her. I can stare at her, letch at her, touch her... And she is helpless... By just looking at her, I can make her feel uncomfortable..."
- Aha!

"And all of you will get more or less the same grades because it seems all of you have the same IQ."
- Why bother checking all our papers at all? :P

"You think I spend the weekend reading sociology books?"
- An insight into his private life

"Class has ended, is it? Vishal is giving me that look... It is time for me to go and drink my 1 kg of milk..."
- Turns dietician

"James Bond came in a trouser..! I immediately shouted out "Gay Bond! Gay Bond!" And half the theater left!"
- How the desecration of his favourite mystery star affected him enough to empty a cinema hall by 50%

"We used to do grafitti on the walls of public urinals... You know, it was a double pleasure... Scribbling 'Down with CPM' and doing it at the same time..."
- His literary skills while performing metabolic functions are now out in the open

"We're all adults here, no? Ankit is not here, so.... Hmm?"
- Pandhri excluded from the proceedings seems to have a therapeutic effect on the average age of the class...

"During the interviews, 4 out of 10 people say their hero is Hitler! I select such people immediately, because they are the wretched souls who need me the most!"
- Letting out an admissions procedure secret

"When you think of Matthew, you think of intellectual. You don't think of beauty, no? Hmmm?"
- Brand Positioning summed up.

"You are all rats with bubonic plague!"
- Something even the campus doctor would have problems finding...

(Talking about some 'famous' writer)
"He won the Nobel Prize, if you want the BRAND association!"

"Go see porn today."
- Homework never was the same :P

"Just because the genetically modified seed is coming from Paris, does not make it romantic."
- Matthew-turned-DNA scientist

"The name of the company is 'Unicol'... YOU should be the ones telling ME that... After all, you are the business students, no? Hmmm...? Now you'll tell me that you are communications students!"
- He's onto us!

"After watching virginal films like DDLJ and HAHK, you will feel like watching porn, no?"
- Post-Hindi movie therapeutism

This one is from Matthew's invasion of the PGPCME... Courtesy Shardul :)

To a certain Pinchoo Gotecha who is particularly fond of exhibiting his rather casual tendencies of laziness and dressing; reclining 80 degrees in his chair and his chest half-exposed, revealing a golden chain which I suspect, in other circumstances could have easily passed off for a boat's mooring chain:

AFM: Look at him! Why did you button those two lower buttons on your shirt? You should' ve left them open too, no? Kya farak padta hai? And why are you wearing that thick golden chain? Are you a Marwari? Sit straight! He thinks there's a mujra going on here, I suppose! Tell me, do you watch porn?

PG (truthful but unsuspecting of what was coming) : Sometimes, Sir.

AFM: What sometimes? Either you watch it or u don't!

PG: Yes Sir, I do.

AFM: In the same position?

(By this time, the entire CME batch was in splits)
PG: Err....

AFM: What err? Look at his chain! It's so thick, doesn't it look like a dog collar....


sreekrishnanv said...

good ones ... almost creating a cult like Seinfeld huh ?

Ajith said...

AFM Rocks dude ....

He will be comin here next week I suppose

The Soothsayer said...

classic AFM...especially the last statement...wretched lives indeed...he once compared us to the lowly mollusks crawling about the deepest recesses of the earth...or was it some insect...i forget...ah my ageing 'grey' cells!

Utsav Mamoria said...

just wondering
is AFM the renowned A F Matthew who boasts among several things ..a collection of rare foreign movies

Archita said...

oh my god that's the most amount of laughs i've had in a long long time...those 'hmmms' got me in splits!


nxtbigthng said...

do you watch porn? Legendary! :D

Saniya Shaikh said...

Hey! Prof A.F. Mathew will be a part of Godrej India Culture Lab's adda 'Subcultures to Sab-culture' on Friday, November 11, 5PM. He will be speaking on the relationship between the fringe and the mainstream; how subcultures innovate, challenge and disquiet the status quo & more! You must not miss this event!
Check out the details and RSVP here:

Parmanu said...

Mathew: Look at Abhishek. Such a virginal face he has.

Class is into splits while Abhishek is stunned af.

Mathew: "Leave that. So I was saying, if I have a daughter who will *pointing finger towards boys in the class* "do" you, "do" you, "do" you.. *suddenly stops, turns towards Abhishek and says, "Abhishek doesn't even know what that means.."