SALES WITH MR. SKP!

These quotes are those of Mr. SKP, who came to teach Section B Sales and Distribution Management. Sample these gems from the man who made SDM a very practical subject.

“In a war, the man behind the gun is more important than the gun.”

“Sales personnel are like missiles. They must be given directions (targets) or else they may go astray.”

“Sales management is nothing but motivation of sales people.”

“Difference between a professional and a knowledgeable person, professional knows which principle to sacrifice under which circumstances.”

“Always go for the lowest hanging fruit. Then generate leads from it, very soon you will have your own tree.”

"Empathy – understanding what is on the mind of the customer before it is spoken"

"In sales management procedural bosses are a big NO NO. Sales personnel like motivational/ leader bosses."

"A little bit immaturity is required in frontline sales force."

Famous recruitment practice in sales management – “Friend get a friend.” Ask the existing sales personnel whether they know anyone who can take the job. If the person you have is good, then he will get good guys for you.

"Failure at times is necessary for improvement."

“People work for people and not only for rewards.”

“People leave before they resign.”

“Not unhappy with the company, but unhappy with the boss.”

Customers are like:

• “Nobody wants to be sold. But, everybody wants to buy.”
• “The angrier a customer is, the less he knows what he wants.”
• “Good salesperson may not necessarily make good managers.”

“Soldier is more important than the general.”

“Sales personnel should be treated by managers like children. They like excitement, competition, targets and recognition.”

"Educational system cannot produce good salesmen."

ACCOUNTS WITH RAJASHEKARAN!

How do you turn a MICAn's most dreaded subject into one of the livliest, and ensure noone sleeps? Simple - get this man to take it! Accounts was never a MICAn's favourite subject... Little did we know what to expect... :D

"And then what do we do with the foreman? He will become beforeman or afterman..."
- On what to do with surplus labour

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"Overhead. Sometimes it goes over the head..."
- On complicated calculations for assets!

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"Can we take the first question as closed? Or do you have anything to disclose?"
- !

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R: Your opinion on this?
VIKRAM: Sir, mine?
R: Mine... Yours... Mine... Mine of information :P

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"Dishman pharma... Dushman pharma..."
- How a simple alphabet change can change a company's fortunes!

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"Shareholders will understand... Or they will stand outside..."
- On the outstanding behaviour or shareholders who don't get paid dividend

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"Payback method is very simple to understand. Even dummies understand it. That is why.... CEOs understand it."
- A fillip for all managers-to-be!

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"Depreciation... It requires proper appreciation."
- On why things going down can also look up.

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R: Have you worked out the current ratio?
TSS: No, sir...
R: Then work it out currently...

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"Quick ratio... Tell me quickly."

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"It is better to put the money in the bank and sleep well, rather than invest it in this business and lose sleep."
- On how nocturnal performance and ROCE are connected :P

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"Many people feel that HDFC Bank is a bachcha... It is a bachcha, but it is achcha...!"
- On the infancy of certain private banks.

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"There are too many analyses... But too much analysis will lead to paralysis."
- How spending too much time with ManAcc can lead to loss of muscle function.

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"Break-even analysis... We've already broken our heads over it."
- Cranial side effects of ManAcc

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"Turn the page and learn the worth!"
- Where Metallica left off, Raja started off...

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"It is not a mystery... It is just history!"
- Getting verse and verse...

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"In Japan... They have flyover and over!"
- On the stagnating GDP and developmental saturation of them Japs.

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"In Argentina, the inflation rate is some 40%, 50%... Like pass mark..."
- How the CBSE syndrome affects Buenos Aires

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"Without wasting time... Explain time value of money."
- Well put!

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And the best one for Day One, while taking attendance...

R: Antara Chatterjee...

R: Absent? Antara... Bahar-aa...

:P

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FROM BATCH B, COURTESY ARATI AND PANNA...

"We might be risk averse... But the risk is ours..." ('ours' in South Indian accent!)

"Ankit Singh... Why don't you sing?" (Attendance!)

"You have taken a lot of time but you have also added a lot of value..."
- To Monty after explaining Time Value of Money

"We have to check a lot of things before investing in stocks. Including the horoscope... In some cases it is the HORRORscope..."
- Future investors, beware!

"If Ambuja, Ultratec, India Cement is getting 22% return, then Anil will say "nil" to investing."
- Anil Ambani's last word on whether or not to invest in the cement industry at 18% return...

"It is an art... To understand art."
- Resovles Shankar's dilemma as to why we shouldn't invest in art...

"All big companies in the west... Like Merryl Llynch.. Get lynched by this P/E ratio..."
- On the P/E ratio and how it bamboozles the best :P

"Include everything... Short term loans... Long term loans... Don't leave anything aLOAN..."
- On how no debt should be left in solitude.

"You are a B.Com? Well, now you cant afford to B.Calm because I'm going to ask you a question!"
- To PriChamaria

A bit of help from Siddharth Jain...
R to Monty, Sujata and Shruti: Now you teen deviyaan will answer my questions...
SJ: How can they be teen deviyaan... They are all more than twenty years old...
:O :O

"If Tata Motors can't pay their dues... They'll have to say TATA to their business..."
- On insolvency

"Shravan don't just come to class in Shravan ka mahina..."
- To a latecoming PlaceComm member ;D

"Somebody wanted attendance, so now I should attend to this?"
- On attendance...

Term 3... HALVE-isms and more!

Visiting profs are never short of a smart one-liner... Sample these for the best we've had :D

"Should the shit hit the ceiling, the brand manager needs a marketing research report to cover his head."
- A not-too-espousing view on Market Research

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"Sahara Airlines... Emotionally yours is their proposition... What rot! It's like, when you're leaving the plane, they cry and go 'Mat Jao... Mat jao...!' "
- And thus begins positioning-bashing.

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"Aloe Vera... I think there are all of three products in the world that don't have aloe vera in them!"
- A take on the poor plant's ubiquity.

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From another visiting fac from Lowe (AK)...

"Building a brand is like having a baby... You never know what you get till it finally comes out... Otherwise you can keep anticipating."
- On the more 'labour'ious parts of marketing...

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"Brand managers move on, and only PPTs are left..."
- The sad truth of marketing...

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"These brand personality values are like aloe vera... You find the same thing in everything!"
- Thus begins the bashing of the dear old barbadensis plant.

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From the SDM prof following Anshul's interview...

Vikram: We were really not too impressed by Anshul...
KD: Really? Suhasini asked him if he's married... :P

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ChaCha returns! :D

"That question is Antara's, unless you want to take an affidavit and legally say, I, Indronil Goswami, henceforth change my name to Antara Chatterjee."
- This is what happens when you try to hog questions that rightfully belong to others.

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"It will be easy too, seeing the Bong connection!"
- A continuation of the above!

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Alumni Elections...

ASWINI: So why are you not standing for CulComm this time?
GOLEE: Well, quite frankly, I joined CulComm to have a cultural time, and I had it :P

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Vidya after an impulse purchase, wondering about his Dad's reaction...

"Okay, Dad, I bought a pair of sandals because _____... Complete the slogan and save my @$$!"
:P

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"Also many years ago, Roxy used to jump over the wall..."
- The height of DCP by A B when asked why MICAn walls were barbed

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My PJs

Okay, me being the narcissist that I am, cannot stop gloating over my PJs :P

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Bugs Bunny in Office 2007 mode: What's up, Docx?

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Q: Why are people from Delhi so good at Combinations?


A: They are from nCr ;)

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Term 2...

Yup, Term 2 brought along with it some rather good stuff which would have Shakespeare wishing he was teaching at MICA. Oh well. Whatever. This is what we've seen so far this term.
(PS: If the list is too short, sorry. It will keep getting updated)

P A T: I'll write down the brand essence of McDonald's... And you'd be very surprised... (writes down 'surrogate mother', and explains why)
* after a while... *
P A T: So, what is the brand essence of Kodak?
Manas: Surrogate son... :P :P
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"... because Indians, unlike the Japanese, do not photograph anything and everything that moves!"
- A subtle differentiating factor between the two nationalities by the man himself!
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"With great monologues come great responsibility"
- From the director of Sankalp 2007! :D
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When Pankaj Bhalla, an alumnus, addressed us, and DCP king Dhruv had a question...
DHRUV: Sir... Whats your name?
PB: Im glad thats where you are in the session! Now we can take things forward * bows *
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"For those of you who are acting in Sankalp... I tell you, before you get married, destroy ALL evidence that you acted in it!"
- PB again, relating the more embarrassing aftermaths of seeing a portly Nautanki self with the better half.
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"We MICAns are good at that - we say 4Ps as easily as we say 'shit!' "
- On MICAn pfaffing skills.
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"If you want to swim the English channel, go right ahead. But first do 200 laps on your swimming pool back home!"
- VNB gives us Thorpe-an advice
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PAT: So do the presentations of the first three readings
Shruti: Sir, we did only the third...
PAT: And why?
Shruti: (uncomfortable) Sir... We got more learnings from the third reading :P
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"We keep buying a symbolic arsenal of things."
- S D, speaking during MICANVAS Colloquium. I thought this was a brilliant line!
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"I've been suffering from a bit of respectability of late."
- S V, during the same forum.
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"Chaat coffee? Koffee with Karan is Chat-ty enough!"
- The director lets out a PJ!
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Our Social Marketing prof!
AS: How many steps does the temple have?
Someone: I think it's 1000 steps...
AS: No, dear... It's actually 3000 steps...
Indro Bhaiyya: Maybe she climbed 3 at a time!

:O
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"It's bad for my back, but I'll start from the back..."
- RK feels the need to question the backbenchers
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RK: Tell me, Indronil, what was the objective you had for the blood donation camp?
I: Hmm... It was.... To get blood..!
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Very Advanced Marketing Management!

We knew we were in for a bit of fun with C C... But what we didn't know was that he was a spontaneous Quotemeister! Amidst the 4Ps and Kotler-bashing and points-giving, here are some killer lines from the man!

"Are you going by your bibliography that says P A T, P A T, P A T..?"
- Chasting us on our apparent originality.

"In this case, the customer is the dog. Oh, sorry... The customer is the king."
- Finally, the equation between royalty and caninism is out.

"For the next question, there will be tons of people answering... The way they have been answering for generations."
- During a feeding frenzy of DCP.

"Concentric circles, my left toe!"
- Apparently, someone's idea of geometry was anatomical...

"You can't touch or see electricity... Except of course in Hindi movies where you can see those orange sparks and lines..."
- All those special effects guys can't get past CC!

"In 1920, if you flew a plane and went up, noone would know if you'd ever come back down."
- The Wright brothers still have got something wrong.

"Kotler. As he is getting older, he is getting colder."
- Feedback as to why a certain someone should not go ahead with the 13th edition.

"And Antara... Antara must be sleeping, right?"
- Picks on one of his favourite victims for her more hibernative tendencies.

"May I suggest you look into your own paper?"
- Apparently, information sharing is not high up on his list.

The Best of A F M

MICA's legendary professor, and a fellow Mallu \m/ is never short of something to say. Following are some of the best sentences ever to leave his blessed vocal cords! Santa Maria!
(PS: Thank you to the CCC guys for giving me some of the quotes here!)

(Vikram ambles in 10 minutes late)
A F M: Welcome, welcome... Why did you come? Hmmm?
Vikram: Why not? :P
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"If he has sex with five women, he would be called a stud. But if she has sex with five men, she would be called a slut!"
- Politics of gender was never so well put!
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"Wake her up."
- The legendary line. Who can sleep in his lecture anyway?!
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"Two heroes... One heroine... And for convenience sake, one of the heroes dies at the end of the movie."
- A F M unravels the age-old mystery of Hindi cinema...
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"Should I bring a hookah also? How about a belly dancer?"
- To a Sahil making himself rather at home with pillows in the audi
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"I do not understand why you all are sleeping... I talk about pornography, I talked about lesbian sex... What more do you want? Do you want me to show you some porn now? No, I think you would probably sleep if I show porn too!"
- On the rather hibernative tendencies of Batch A
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(Talking about sexual harassment and targetting his favourite victim)

AFM: And when a lady worker at the office asks for help, wouldn't you do this? *shows embrace-over-back gesture* Wouldn't you do that, Sahil?
SK: I'd do that to Vikram, sir!
AFM: My, my! This class is rather progressive!
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"You must be thinking why this man is standing in this fashion... Aahhh... and he is not even married... And he always talks about homosexuality...HHmmmm..."
- And thus he launches into the politics of the posture.
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"Some of you may say he is dumb... If he was dumb... Then you are all underdeveloped zygotes!"
- A comparitive study on his heroes and his students.
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"Look at this book... Look at the title... 'Why We Buy'... (after applause) Let me just look at the chapters... Just see the title... ' Touch me . . . hmmm . . Feel me . . . hmmm. . . . Buy me . . . ' "
- The most hilarious three minute book review you'll ever see!
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"If she faints if he kisses her on the forehead, then when they start having sex, she'll have epilipsey!"
- On the 'conservative' nature of mainstream Indian cinema
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"If you were a Christian, you would have heard of Jesus, no?"
- Even Chandler Bing would have bowed to this sort of sarcasm...
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"I feel like a gladiator performing in a colloseum in front of you. After a while I will start performing naach-gaana too. You'll start throwing coins too."
- On the Roman connections that Batch A seems to possess during an AFM lecture.
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Courtesy Ankit...
G = Guy from Section B*

AFM: Do you know about Imrana's case?
G: No sir.
AFM: Don't you read newspaper?
G: No sir.
AFM: Do you watch television?
G: No sir.
AFM: So do you surf pornography throughout the night?
G: No sir.
AFM: Santa Maria!! You don't do even that. So what do you do, dear? I'll tell you a solution: take a chakda. Go to Shela village. There is a lake. Just jump into that and don't come back."

*name is withheld intentionally :P
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"You are so innocent...! I would like to adopt you!"
- To a subsequently stunned Gaurav.
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" ...and each one of you will become small monsters at the time of the placements... "
- A F M predicts further mutation in the evolution process.
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"How many kinds of porn are there? "
- To a stunned Johann, who looked a veritable expert on the matter.
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"Am I not a ray of light coming into your wretched lives?"
- The famous statement!
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"She is almost perfect. I did not teach her. Otherwise she would have become perfect, no?"
- Giving the vote of thanks to an ex-MICAn who talked to us!
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A F M: So, what are all of you?
Student: Uhm, sir... Zygotes?
A F M: No... You are all single-celled protozoans!
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"Punjabis... Hmmm... All they need is a big glass of lassi and they are ready to rape a woman..."
- Stereotyping our turbanned friends and the homemade liquid stimulant.
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"After all, you all want jobs in HLL na? Hmmmmmm....?"
- Oh damn, he's uncovered our ulterior motives!
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"Tumhe to kuch nahi aata. Sab sikhana padega."
- Who said Mallus can't speak good Hindi :P
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SCENE: Aftermath of girl talking to boy next to her.
A F M: How can you get distracted so easily?
GIRL: Sorry sir...
A F M: You should be interested in knowing the history of these women... If it weren't for them... You would be sitting at home and serving your body to men like these..."
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"Look at the mere power that I possess over her. I can stare at her, letch at her, touch her... And she is helpless... By just looking at her, I can make her feel uncomfortable..."
- Aha!
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"And all of you will get more or less the same grades because it seems all of you have the same IQ."
- Why bother checking all our papers at all? :P
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"You think I spend the weekend reading sociology books?"
- An insight into his private life
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"Class has ended, is it? Vishal is giving me that look... It is time for me to go and drink my 1 kg of milk..."
- Turns dietician
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"James Bond came in a trouser..! I immediately shouted out "Gay Bond! Gay Bond!" And half the theater left!"
- How the desecration of his favourite mystery star affected him enough to empty a cinema hall by 50%
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"We used to do grafitti on the walls of public urinals... You know, it was a double pleasure... Scribbling 'Down with CPM' and doing it at the same time..."
- His literary skills while performing metabolic functions are now out in the open
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"We're all adults here, no? Ankit is not here, so.... Hmm?"
- Pandhri excluded from the proceedings seems to have a therapeutic effect on the average age of the class...
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"During the interviews, 4 out of 10 people say their hero is Hitler! I select such people immediately, because they are the wretched souls who need me the most!"
- Letting out an admissions procedure secret
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"When you think of Matthew, you think of intellectual. You don't think of beauty, no? Hmmm?"
- Brand Positioning summed up.
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"You are all rats with bubonic plague!"
- Something even the campus doctor would have problems finding...
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(Talking about some 'famous' writer)
"He won the Nobel Prize, if you want the BRAND association!"
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"Go see porn today."
- Homework never was the same :P
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"Just because the genetically modified seed is coming from Paris, does not make it romantic."
- Matthew-turned-DNA scientist
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"The name of the company is 'Unicol'... YOU should be the ones telling ME that... After all, you are the business students, no? Hmmm...? Now you'll tell me that you are communications students!"
- He's onto us!
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"After watching virginal films like DDLJ and HAHK, you will feel like watching porn, no?"
- Post-Hindi movie therapeutism
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This one is from Matthew's invasion of the PGPCME... Courtesy Shardul :)

To a certain Pinchoo Gotecha who is particularly fond of exhibiting his rather casual tendencies of laziness and dressing; reclining 80 degrees in his chair and his chest half-exposed, revealing a golden chain which I suspect, in other circumstances could have easily passed off for a boat's mooring chain:

AFM: Look at him! Why did you button those two lower buttons on your shirt? You should' ve left them open too, no? Kya farak padta hai? And why are you wearing that thick golden chain? Are you a Marwari? Sit straight! He thinks there's a mujra going on here, I suppose! Tell me, do you watch porn?

PG (truthful but unsuspecting of what was coming) : Sometimes, Sir.

AFM: What sometimes? Either you watch it or u don't!

PG: Yes Sir, I do.

AFM: In the same position?

(By this time, the entire CME batch was in splits)
PG: Err....

AFM: What err? Look at his chain! It's so thick, doesn't it look like a dog collar....
Hmm....?
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